Paradise Lost

Everything has changed. All in the blink of an eye. We've had 4 sightings of a coyote in the neighborhood, twice in our backyard. Tom and I have had to make decisions. Both of our cats spend time outdoors, Spooky lives outside, he was feral when he showed up and Boo has been in and out for as long as we have had her. She is miserable. By trying to save her life I have taken her life away from her by keeping her inside. I'm miserable too. I have had to keep other cats inside for various reasons, moving to an apartment mainly, and never was bothered by it. For some reason this one is breaking my heart. I look outside and it all looks different. What was once a bucolic scene, a quiet but lively neighborhood with the sounds of birds, kids and dogs, is now a place for the hunter. I'm not worried about myself but the animals that I am a guardian too. We are hoping for the best for Spooky. He would never be able to live inside and having been feral and outside his entire life we hope he's got the sense and the senses to stay safe. Boo is the one we worry about. She's 100% sweet as sugar and to not have her come home one night would set my mind into a tailspin. The images that would come to me would be unbearable. I've been doing a lot of crying and trying to adjust to this new version of life. Seems silly doesn't it when there are people in the Gulf of Mexico who have lost everything and animals are dying daily. I suppose it's what's happening in your own little world that makes the greatest impact. A new neighbor brought chickens with them and there is now one left. Maybe when the chickens are all gone the coyote will leave and life will go back to the way it was. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself.

Motivation

I've been having a really hard time getting motivated today. Stayed in bed till 8:30 (usually up around 6), wasted time playing stupid computer games and should have gotten my arse up and out with Anita. It's cloudy and cool today and I just have felt like curling up in bed with a good book. I did manage to do something I've been thinking about for awhile and that is revisiting a photo I took of my mom a couple of years ago. Mom has Alzheimer's and this was taken while she could still walk and communicate. She actually asked me to take this picture of her and I'm glad I did. I have not felt comfortable taking her picture since and I'm not sure why. Maybe I haven't wanted to intrude on her privacy, she can no longer communicate with us and so can not tell me if it's okay or not. But the more I have thought about it there are pictures of her I want for myself. Pictures of her hands, the hands that raised me, her shoulders, the ones I cried on as a kid. I'm realizing there are ways I could photograph her and still respect her dignity. This image was originally shot in color but I prefer it in black and white. In a previous version I had cropped in a bit closer an applied a "lensbaby" effect where everything was blurred except her face. This is a more true representation of the scene. Mom made the doll she is holding, when she asked me to photograph her she asked that it be with this doll. Must be something that she is particularly proud of.

Being True to Ones Self

Recently a close photographer friend asked me if I had been blogging and I replied, "no". She is someone whose work and opinion I hold in high regard. It was because of her urging that I went to a daylong seminar given by the Greater Hartford Arts Council on marketing yourself as an artist. I attended two seminars, one regarding how to write your artist statement and the other on social networking. For a couple of weeks after I felt that I had obtained some good information but didn't really think too much about it. Then something happened. I started thinking about how I would write my artist statement and my world turned upside down. I had to think about why I was taking photographs. I had to start digging deep to discover that answer. What I realized and had sort of known for a long time was that I was highly influenced by other photographers work that I liked. If I saw a photo and wished I had taken it I would try to recreate it or learn their style. It was derivative not genuine. It was not about capturing something that resonated with my personal experience. Many of my current images are"pretty" but lacking in some sort of emotional pull. Yes, I want the photograph to be a beautiful thing but not necessarily of a beautiful thing. That is the challenge. My goal now is to be as true to myself as I can possibly be. Learn about myself and value my experience. Clear my head and let the images come from deep inside.